Can’t Get You Out Of Minehead

Celebrating provincial life in Great Britain through the power of song, part 1. These are funnier if you’re familiar with the song, or the place, or ideally both. Thanks to Owen for invaluable input.

20 Forfar Betty Page : Snowboy
Aintree Sweet : The Beatles
All Things Brighton Beautiful : Mormon Tabernacle Choir
Alloa : Elvis Presley
Alnwick Get Your Gun : Squeeze
Babbacombe Mow Mow : The Rivingtons
Bacup Train : Al Green
Band On Durham : Wings
Bangor Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) : Cher
Barmouth Strikes Again : The Smiths
Bass (Harlow Can You Go) : Simon Harris
Bat Out Of Hull : Meatloaf
Beeston Burden : The Rolling Stones
Beg, Steal Or Barrow : The New Seekers
Birmingham Rhapsody : Queen
Bootle-Icious : Destiny’s Child
Boston Cry : The Cure
Brand Newquay : Melanie
Brigg Time : Peter Gabriel
Brixham Mortar : The Jam
Burning And Luton : Bob Marley
Bury Me Beneath The Willow : Woody Guthrie
Can’t Get You Out Of Minehead : Kylie Minogue
Cambourne Eileen : Dexy’s Midnight Runners
Can I Get A Widnes : Marvin Gaye
Can You Seaham Me : Jimi Hendrix
Can’t Hadleigh Wait : The Replacements
Cathays Clowne : Everly Brothers
Cheatin’ Inverness’t Room : Lynn White
Chester Gigolo : Louis Armstrong
Chesterfield-ing : Bad Manners
Cold Torquay : John Lennon
Colwyn Bay-Ton Rouge : Garth Brooks
Crewe-el To Be Kind : Will Young
Daventry & Change My Mind : Ronnie Lane
Dirty Harwich : Lalo Schifrin
Drive Caerphilly, Dear : The Paper Chase
Dudley Good To Me : Beats International
Dunblane It On Me : Fats Domino
Egham My Face : Nine Below Zero
Eton Alive : Diana Ross
Even Better Than The Rhyl Thing : U2
Everybody’s Dorking : Fred Neil
Everything Hyde Do (Hyde Do It For You) : Bryan Adams
Fascinating Lytham : Fred Astaire
Fools Rushden : Vic Damone
For All The Cowes : Foo Fighters
Frome Frome Frome Frome : John Lee Hooker
Girlfriend In A Cromer : The Smiths
Goin’ Through Your Perth : Material Issue
Goole, You’ll Be A Woman Soon : Urge Overkill
Gwynedd Takes It All : Abba

The world’s largest untapped knowledge reservoir

How many people are there on eBay? Must be millions, all around the world. All selling stuff. Together, they are possibly the world’s largest untapped information resource. I’ve noticed that every single one of them is taking part in the ‘Ask seller a question’ scheme. I don’t know why more people don’t take advantage of this. There are so many things I want to learn about, so many difficult decisions I have to make in life, so many moral dilemmas.

I’ve been selling stuff on eBay on and off for years, and the only questions people ever ask me are things like ‘How much will this cost to post to Italy?‘. You can find the answer to that question in 5 seconds by looking at the Post Office website! What a wasted opportunity! No-one’s ever asked me for recommendations on where to eat in Cardiff, or which is the most flavoursome kind of apple.

So I’ve recently started taking advantage of this knowledge pool. The first question, ‘Where do babies come from?‘ was put to a guy based in York who was selling a Wadeheath porcelain figurine of a cow and milkmaid. His answer was detailed and very helpful, and cleared up a number of issues. The second question, ‘How do refrigerators work?‘ was put to bazza1968, selling an autographed photo of the cast of Emmerdale. I felt that his answer was vague, confused, ill-informed, and left me none the wiser. This was a disappointment, and I worried that maybe the eBay Knowledge Pool was not, after all, going to be a credible fountain of information. However, the success of the third question -‘What should I have for dinner tonight?‘ allayed my fears. Seller run_of_the_mill, auctioning off a brand new Wilson golf bag, suggested poached salmon on a bed of rocket, which, as it turned out, was delicious. Buoyed by this result, I’m now awaiting the answer to my fourth question, put to user gkdautosuk (selling a case of 10 bottles of car wax via BUY IT NOW) – ‘Which do you think suits me best, the brown shirt or the blue shirt?‘. I’m hoping they get back to me soon, because I’m meant to be meeting someone in the pub in half an hour.

Whisker Trouble

It’s been a few days since I shaved – maybe about a week – and earlier today I got a couple of my whiskers caught in the door of the bathroom cabinet when I went to close it. Don’t ask how, it’s kind of stupid and difficult to explain. Let’s just say I was being narcissistic. Which, in the privacy and comfort of your own bathroom, is hardly a crime, right? Anyway, so a couple of my whiskers got snagged in the door. Which is very inconvenient, because it now means I can only move as fast as the speed at which my beard grows. That’s not necessarily the end of the world, I mean I don’t really have anything planned for the next couple of weeks, by which time I’ll hopefully have made it over to the other side of the washbasin. The real problem lies in the beard trail I’ll weave during my future travels – it could prove to be pretty awkward for people in the street to have to climb over or limbo underneath a complex series of beard ropes. Eventually I expect I’ll block out the sun in my town, killing low-lying plant life and giving the inhabitants a pale, colourless complexion, albeit with enhanced night vision. The ever-expanding carpet will also protect people from hailstones and falling space debris. Additionally, I will have a watertight alibi should I ever be wrongly accused of murder in Scotland. Provided, of course, I don’t actually visit Scotland.