Category Archives: Lists

Spoblongs

While driving along one of Britain’s motorways recently, I was overtaken by a lorry that was prominently decorated with the web address SPLOGISTICS.CO.UK. It amused me because SPLOGISTICS is a funny word, but it was especially amusing because my initials are SP, so if I had a logistics company, I’d definitely want to call it SPLOGISTICS. So, on returning home I immediately established the following companies. Their main line of business should be self-explanatory.

SPADVERTS
SPAMPS
SPAMULETS
SPANCHORS
SPANDREX
SPANKLES
SPAPPLES
SPAPPS
SPAWNINGS
SPAXLES
SPEBONY
SPECCLESCAKES
SPEFFIGIES
SPEGGS
SPELVIS
SPHUMPS
SPICECREAM
SPIGUANAS
SPIMPLANTS
SPINCHWORMS
SPINK
SPLAMBS, SPRAMS & SPEWES
SPLAMPS
SPLASHES
SPLATS
SPLOCKS
SPLODGE
SPLODGERS
SPLODGING
SPLOGS
SPLOOPS
SPLOTTERY
SPOBLONGS
SPODDITIES
SPOILS
SPOLIVES
SPOMELETTES
SPONIONS
SPOPERA
SPORANGES
SPOTTERS
SPOVALS
SPOWLS
SPOXYGEN
SPRAKES
SPREAMS
SPREEDS
SPRIBS
SPRIDGES
SPRIMS
SPRINGS
SPRINKS
SPRODS
SPROOFS
SPROOTS
SPROUTES
SPRUDDERS
SPRUSK
SPUDDERS
SPUNCLES
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Hospital Waiting Rooms

A list of people it’d be confusing for me to share a hospital waiting room with, sorted by increasing potential for confusion.

1. Simon Jones
2. Simon Prosser
3. Simon Proffwell
4. Simon Proffidd
5. Simon Prophet
6. Simon Proffitt-Please
7. Simon Proffitt-Toroomnumberthree
8. Simon Proffitt-I’mafraidwehavesomeratherbadnewsforyou
9. Simon Proffitt-Getoutofherebeforewecallthepolice

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Egg Custards

I like egg custards. The Ancient Greeks believed that the best egg custard was the one you’ve just eaten. Inscriptions found at Yaxchilan, meanwhile, clearly indicate that the Mayans considered the best egg custard to be the one you are about to eat. I subscribe to neither of these systems, and believe instead in the power of empiricism.

There are three (and only three) components to a standard UK egg custard:
1. The pastry: that noble and unheralded support layer, quietly carrying out its duties with pride and grace.
2. The custard: that champion heavyweight that we’ve all come to see, that we remember watching on Grandstand as a kid, but that’s still knocking ’em out cold in town halls and leisure centres throughout provincial Britain.
3. The nutmeg: that cheeky young scamp from faraway lands that occasionally appears at your window, mouthing unintelligible words while you attempt to watch the news.

I once had in mind to write a comprehensive guide to the country’s egg custards. Not just a survey of my favourites, or the ones near me, but a rigorous analysis of every commercially available custard in the land. Even given the homogenisation of most UK High Streets, though, it’s a huge and dietarily thankless undertaking, and I have reluctantly added this to the list of things that are just not going to happen, along with learning to play guitar, getting into the album charts, tidying my office etc etc. This move brings both sadness and relief. Having said that, I still have a rough idea of my favourites. In the same way that we like to choose some personal cultural standards to wheel out when asked, instead of having to consider them from scratch each time (favourite album, film, that sort of thing), I have a best egg custard. Best 5, in fact. I am compelled to write all this now because the current number 1 was discovered this very week – I could have wept when I first bit into it – and discovering a new favourite anything is a big deal for some. Here they are:

5. Bailey’s Deli, Llangollen
4. Ashley’s Butchers, Whitwell
3. Milk Bar, Llanrwst
2. Sandbank Bakery, Towyn
1. Bosun’s Locker, New Quay

Supermarket egg custards are sometimes pretty good. M&S are the best, I think. The flipside of all this is the worst. I’m generally fairly well disposed towards Morrisons, as supermarkets go, but their egg custards have never, after multiple attempts, been anything other than joyless.

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21st Century Blues

Here’s the track list for my forthcoming contemporary blues album. It’ll be available on LP, cassette, minidisc and 64kpbs mp3.

1. End-of-Financial-Year Roadworks Blues
2. Incorrect Username/Password Blues
3. Rural Bank Branch Closure Blues
4. This Item is Currently Out of Stock Blues
5. 500 Internal Server Error Blues
6. Cuts to Essential Services Blues
7. Civilians Killed in Drone Strike Blues
8. Corporate Tax Evasion Blues
9. Fear and Hate Fuelled by Corrupt Media Blues
10. Misplaced Phone Charger Blues
11. Reading the Comments on Daily Mail Articles Blues
12. Men Shouting in the Street Late at Night Blues
13. Wasting Time by Engaging with Internet Trolls Blues
14. Unsaved Work Lost Through Program Crash Blues
15. Civilians Killed in Terrorist Attack Blues
16. ‘Political Correctness’ Used as a Pejorative Blues

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Forthcoming Releases

Here’s a quick guide to some of the best new music due for release later this year.

New albums by:
DJ Unexpected Item In Bagging Area
The You Must Be Logged In To Do Thats
The Restart Now / Restart Laters
/X\(‘-‘)/X\
She Takes A Single Paperclip & The What Happens Next Will Amaze Yous
This Vehicle Is Reversing

New singles by:
Japanpipes
Japanopticon
Japanau Chocolat
NTDSSTBLSHMNTRNSM
FLCCNCNHLPLFCTN
~-~-~-~—-\\|¦|///—-~-~-~-~
asdsfsafsadfsafsadfasafdsfasdf
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
The Sign Up To Receive Our Occasional Newsletters
DJ This App Is Incompatible With Your Device
A$AP Social Media Faux Pas

Posted in Lists, Music, Nomenclature | 1 Comment

Bands Unable To Come Up With Original Names For Themselves #2

Formula: take a single word and double one of the constituent letters
Anciients
Desiigner
Fawnn
Flaamingos
Gnoomes
Gravves
Jawws
Lovvers
Mmoths
Pawws
Poemss
Slavve
Suuns
Traams
Vaniish
Watter
Wavves

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Bands Unable to Come Up With Original Names For Themselves

Formula: Append the word ‘Japan’ with something.
Japanther
Japandroids
Japancakes

Formula: Remove the vowels from a word and make it all caps. For reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, this one is particularly annoying.
BNJMN
BRNS
CHLLNGR
DFRNT
DRKMTR
GRMLN
JPNSGRLS
MDRN
MNDR
MNLTH
MSMR
MSTRKRFT
PTTRN
PVT
PWR BTTM
RLYR
SBTRKT
SCNTST
SND
STRFKR
STRNGLV
TNGHT
VTNM
WZRD

Formula: Famous people spoonerisms
Buck Cherry
Com Truise
Heorge Garrison
Jichael Mackson
Nid & Sancy
Wevie Stonder

Formula: Lil [X]
Lil B
Lil B
Lil C
Lil C
Lil CB
Lil D
Lil D
Lil E
Lil G
Lil G
Lil G
Lil G
Lil G
Lil G
Lil G
Lil G
Lil J
Lil J
Lil L
Lil M
Lil O
Lil P
Lil Q
Lil T
Lil T
Lil T
Lil V
Lil X

Formula: The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers
The Strangers

Posted in Lists, Music, Nomenclature | 1 Comment

Sexual Ealing

Yet more silly puns celebrating British life through the power of song.

Paignton A Picture : Alice Cooper
People Get Reading : Curtis Mayfield
Powys Slave : Iron Maiden
Purple Hayes : Jimi Hendrix
Push The Burton : Money Mark
Put A Lydd On It : Squirrel Nut Zippers
Quench My Thirsk : Playback
Reach Out (Aberdare) : The Four Tops
Redcar Pet : Duke Ellington
Rhondda Road Again : Canned Heat
Risca Business : Tangerine Dream
Ryde On Thame : Black Box
Save The Leicester Dance For Me : The Drifters
Sexual Ealing : Marvin Gaye
Sheffields Good To Me : Warrant
Sidmouth Be Love : Madness
Silver Langold : U2
Skipton My Lou : Leadbelly
Slough Dive : Siouxsie & The Banshees
Slowly But Chorley : Elvis Presley
So Dawlish-ious : The Fatback Band
Some Day My Prince Will Coombe : Dave Brubeck
Some Day My Prince Will Cwm : Miles Davis
Stoke In The Middlewich You : Stealers Wheel
Street Hessle : Lou Reed
Suffolk-Ated Love : Tricky
Suffolk’d Up : Leaving Trains
SuPurfleet : Curtis Mayfield
Surrey Seems To Be The Hardest Word : Elton John
Syston Addict : Five Star

Posted in A Song For Britain, Lists, Music | Leave a comment

Willey Holding

Now that the England & Wales Cricket XI have limped forlornly out of the 2011 World Cup, it’s as good a time as ever to revisit the scorecards from two Brian Johnston Memorial matches played fairly recently in rural England.

To provide a bit of context for this elaborate in-joke, I invite you to cast your mind back to The Oval, 1976: the fifth and final test match. West Indies are fielding during England’s second innings. England require a daunting 435 runs to win. The score is 77-3. It’s the 30th over. The bowler’s Holding; the batsman’s Willey.

South Yorkshire Cricket League, Division 3
Doncaster 2nd XI v Rotherham
Doncaster
28 August 2010 (40-over match)

Result: Doncaster 2nd XI won by 35 runs
Man of the Match: Lloyd Authority

Doncaster 2nd XI innings
GD Savings      c. Cops         b. Spent          1
D Patience                      b. Trying        15
MA Underwear    c. Cops         b. Trying        16
*RR Wife        lbw             b. Stroking       4
L Authority                     b. Questioned    76
+STI Algebra    c. Father       b. Trying        42
MN Softskin     c. Father       b. Stroking      22
PO Fighting     c. Cops         b. Questioned     0
JJ Runningup    not out                          14
LD Betrayed                     b. Spent          2
S Mocking       lbw             b. Spent          1
Extras                                           13
Total           (all out, 39.2 overs)           206

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Stroking        10      2       46      2
Spent           9.2     1       55      3
Trying          10      3       38      3	
Questioned      10      0       61      2

Rotherham innings
NG Phonebill    st. Algebra     b. Runningup      3
*CD Lisp                        b. Mocking       48
RIJ Trust                       b. Betrayed      11
SL Stairs       lbw             b. Runningup      6
E Father        st. Algebra     b. Betrayed      26
WA Cause                        b. Fighting      31
+ID Cops        c. Wife         b. Fighting      19
IA Questioned   not out                          14
A Stroking                      b. Mocking        0
BF Trying       run out                           0
TJ Spent                        b. Runningup      5
Extras                                            8
Total           (all out, 38.4 overs)           171 

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Mocking         10      2       52      2		
Betrayed        9       2       41      2
Fighting        10      1       40      2
Runningup       9.4     0       33      3


---------------------------------------------------

Bassetlaw Cricket League, Division 2
Staveley v Chesterfield
Staveley
3 September 2010 (40-over match)

Result: Chesterfield won by 137 runs
Man of the Match: Wesley Kicked

Chesterfield innings
GG Heart                lbw             b. Broken        25
KJ Will-Tolive          lbw             b. Broken        34
*+AD Supply             run out                          56
PJN Human-Rights                        b. Violating      7
ES Gay                                  b. Sure           1
AJ Charms               st. Problems    b. Fallenfor     45
TC Personal-Space                       b. Violating     72
SW Solving              not out                           9			
HN Faking                               b. Sure           1
DW Declined                             b. Sure           0
WG Kicked               not out                           0
Extras                                                    5
Total                   (9 wickets, 40 overs)           254

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Broken          10      1       41      2
Violating       8       0       67      2
Sure            8       1       54      3
Fallenfor       10      0       49      1
Death           4       0       34      0

Staveley innings
EBS Headin                              b. Kicked        32
LL Kind-Offer           lbw             b. Declined       2
N Death                                 b. Faking         3
+PC Problems            c. Faking       b. Solving        0
IR Cat                  c. Charms       b. Kicked        14
CB Housing-Crisis                       b. Solving       21
JDS Signature                     c. &  b. Faking         0
A Broken                                b. Kicked        22
AL Sure                                 b. Declined       6
*RM Violating                           b. Kicked         4
TT Fallenfor            not out                           2
Extras                                                   11
Total                   (all out, 34.1 overs)           117

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Declined        7       2       34      2		
Faking          8       2       31      2
Kicked          10      3       22      4
Solving         9.1     1       24      2

---------------------------------------------------

Submit your own Brian Johnston Memorial Scorecards in the comment section.
Complete scorecards are a lot to ask, so I am also encouraging simple submissions of the form: the bowler’s X; the batsman’s Y.

Need more examples?
the bowler’s Disputing; the batman’s Paternity-Claim
the bowler’s Eaten; the batsman’s Kidneys
etc.

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Insipid Lyrics With No Real Life Application

Here’s another list. The title of the list is: A Theoretical Album, The Song Titles Of Which Are Phrases That, As Far As I Can Tell, Exist Only In Song Lyrics And Do Not Exist In Conventional Speech Patterns, At Least Not Where I’m From, Which Is To Say That In Writing These Lyrics The Songwriter Must Have Copied Them From Other Songs Again And Again Until They Become Tired Cliché, Sometimes Not Even Pausing To Think What They Actually Mean, Volume 1

1. Lips of Wine
2. Apple of My Eye
3. Rock of Ages
4. (Between the) Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
5. Thief in the Night
6. (Kisses) Sweeter Than Wine
7. Honey Pie
8. Lonesome
9. La la la la la la la
10. Fomentatious perflation hydrogenates your foetal cisterna, coagulating haemorrhage and your congenital hernia

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