Category: Sport

Now that the England & Wales Cricket XI have limped forlornly out of the 2011 World Cup, it’s as good a time as ever to revisit the scorecards from two Brian Johnston Memorial matches played fairly recently in rural England.

To provide a bit of context for this elaborate in-joke, I invite you to cast your mind back to The Oval, 1976: the fifth and final test match. West Indies are fielding during England’s second innings. England require a daunting 435 runs to win. The score is 77-3. It’s the 30th over. The bowler’s Holding; the batsman’s Willey.

South Yorkshire Cricket League, Division 3
Doncaster 2nd XI v Rotherham
Doncaster
28 August 2010 (40-over match)

Result: Doncaster 2nd XI won by 35 runs
Man of the Match: Lloyd Authority

Doncaster 2nd XI innings
GD Savings      c. Cops         b. Spent          1
D Patience                      b. Trying        15
MA Underwear    c. Cops         b. Trying        16
*RR Wife        lbw             b. Stroking       4
L Authority                     b. Questioned    76
+STI Algebra    c. Father       b. Trying        42
MN Softskin     c. Father       b. Stroking      22
PO Fighting     c. Cops         b. Questioned     0
JJ Runningup    not out                          14
LD Betrayed                     b. Spent          2
S Mocking       lbw             b. Spent          1
Extras                                           13
Total           (all out, 39.2 overs)           206

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Stroking        10      2       46      2
Spent           9.2     1       55      3
Trying          10      3       38      3	
Questioned      10      0       61      2

Rotherham innings
NG Phonebill    st. Algebra     b. Runningup      3
*CD Lisp                        b. Mocking       48
RIJ Trust                       b. Betrayed      11
SL Stairs       lbw             b. Runningup      6
E Father        st. Algebra     b. Betrayed      26
WA Cause                        b. Fighting      31
+ID Cops        c. Wife         b. Fighting      19
IA Questioned   not out                          14
A Stroking                      b. Mocking        0
BF Trying       run out                           0
TJ Spent                        b. Runningup      5
Extras                                            8
Total           (all out, 38.4 overs)           171 

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Mocking         10      2       52      2		
Betrayed        9       2       41      2
Fighting        10      1       40      2
Runningup       9.4     0       33      3


---------------------------------------------------

Bassetlaw Cricket League, Division 2
Staveley v Chesterfield
Staveley
3 September 2010 (40-over match)

Result: Chesterfield won by 137 runs
Man of the Match: Wesley Kicked

Chesterfield innings
GG Heart                lbw             b. Broken        25
KJ Will-Tolive          lbw             b. Broken        34
*+AD Supply             run out                          56
PJN Human-Rights                        b. Violating      7
ES Gay                                  b. Sure           1
AJ Charms               st. Problems    b. Fallenfor     45
TC Personal-Space                       b. Violating     72
SW Solving              not out                           9			
HN Faking                               b. Sure           1
DW Declined                             b. Sure           0
WG Kicked               not out                           0
Extras                                                    5
Total                   (9 wickets, 40 overs)           254

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Broken          10      1       41      2
Violating       8       0       67      2
Sure            8       1       54      3
Fallenfor       10      0       49      1
Death           4       0       34      0

Staveley innings
EBS Headin                              b. Kicked        32
LL Kind-Offer           lbw             b. Declined       2
N Death                                 b. Faking         3
+PC Problems            c. Faking       b. Solving        0
IR Cat                  c. Charms       b. Kicked        14
CB Housing-Crisis                       b. Solving       21
JDS Signature                     c. &  b. Faking         0
A Broken                                b. Kicked        22
AL Sure                                 b. Declined       6
*RM Violating                           b. Kicked         4
TT Fallenfor            not out                           2
Extras                                                   11
Total                   (all out, 34.1 overs)           117

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Declined        7       2       34      2		
Faking          8       2       31      2
Kicked          10      3       22      4
Solving         9.1     1       24      2

---------------------------------------------------

Submit your own Brian Johnston Memorial Scorecards in the comment section.
Complete scorecards are a lot to ask, so I am also encouraging simple submissions of the form: the bowler’s X; the batsman’s Y.

Need more examples?
the bowler’s Disputing; the batman’s Paternity-Claim
the bowler’s Eaten; the batsman’s Kidneys
etc.

Like me, you’ve probably noticed that the Republic of India is absolutely hopeless at football. They’ve never even qualified for the European Championship, let alone won it. Like me, you’ve probably also noticed that the Faroe Islands are pretty rubbish at football too. They may well have beautiful scenery, but they tend to lose a lot, and not just unlucky 1-0 away from home losses, or thrilling 6-5 goalfeasts. No, they often lose big-time, because they’re just a bunch of amateurs. To be fair to both teams, even if I was eligible to play for them, it’s highly unlikely that I’d ever be picked, because I am even worse at football than they are. But that’s somewhat beside the point.

Now – comparing the Faroe Islands to India is a little bit unfair, because, and I’m sure this is no big secret, the Faroe Islands are tiny and sparsely populated, whereas India is enormous and the 2nd most populous nation on earth. The Faroe Islands football team is officially ranked 10 places higher than India despite India having around twenty five thousand times more people living there. Not twenty five thousand people more, twenty five thousand times more. There is something clearly in the water of either the Faroe Islands, or India, or both (but in the latter case the thing in the Faroese water would be very different – and better – from the thing in the Indian water).

What about the rest of the football playing nations? What about the big guns, like Brazil? Are Brazil so great because they have so many people to choose from? Are Wales so crap because they don’t? I decided to normalise the FIFA rankings as they stood immediately post-2010 World Cup to see which countries were objectively better at football. And which countries were objectively worse. The list makes for interesting reading. Because while it’s obvious for all to see that India is indeed rubbish at football, there’s an argument to be made for the fact that the Faroe Islands is the best team in the world.

	Country	FIFA rank	FIFA points	Population	FIFA points per 10k pop.	Population per FIFA point
1	Faroe Islands	125	196	48760	40.197	248.78
2	Liechtenstein	149	117	35904	32.587	306.87
3	Antigua and Barbuda	119	218	88000	24.773	403.67
4	Bermuda	134	160	65000	24.615	406.25
5	St. Kitts and Nevis	151	113	52000	21.731	460.18
6	Grenada	124	198	104000	19.038	525.25
7	Cook Islands	181	34	20000	17.000	588.24
8	Iceland	90	367	317900	11.545	866.21
9	Turks and Caicos Islands	184	32	33000	9.697	1031.25
10	St. Vincent and the Grenadines	163	91	109000	8.349	1197.8
11	Montenegro	64	500	624000	8.013	1248
12	British Virgin Islands	194	18	23000	7.826	1277.78
13	Cayman Islands	173	39	56000	6.964	1435.9
14	Cyprus	67	486	801851	6.061	1649.9
15	Barbados	135	155	256000	6.055	1651.61
16	Bahrain	69	475	791000	6.005	1665.26
17	Netherlands Antilles	154	103	198000	5.202	1922.33
18	New Caledonia	145	126	249000	5.060	1976.19
19	Dominica	183	33	67000	4.925	2030.3
20	Cape Verde	114	241	506000	4.763	2099.59
21	Gabon	42	700	1475000	4.746	2107.14
22	Vanuatu	153	108	240000	4.500	2222.22
23	Seychelles	178	37	84000	4.405	2270.27
24	Maldives	142	129	309000	4.175	2395.35
25	Slovenia	25	860	2060260	4.174	2395.65
26	Luxembourg	127	193	502207	3.843	2602.11
27	Northern Ireland	56	566	1788900	3.164	3160.6
28	Suriname	137	153	520000	2.942	3398.69
29	Latvia	46	652	2239800	2.911	3435.28
30	Tonga	186	28	104000	2.692	3714.29
31	Guyana	122	205	762000	2.690	3717.07
32	Uruguay	16	899	3361000	2.675	3738.6
33	Trinidad and Tobago	95	353	1339000	2.636	3793.2
34	FYR Macedonia	61	521	2048620	2.543	3932.09
35	Qatar	96	351	1409000	2.491	4014.25
36	Malta	157	100	416333	2.402	4163.33
37	Estonia	99	320	1340021	2.388	4187.57
38	Croatia	10	1041	4435056	2.347	4260.38
39	Samoa	177	38	179000	2.123	4710.53
40	Gambia	93	361	1705000	2.117	4722.99
41	Equatorial Guinea	141	142	676000	2.101	4760.56
42	Fiji	132	167	849000	1.967	5083.83
43	Lithuania	49	608	3329227	1.826	5475.7
44	Norway	22	882	4888800	1.804	5542.86
45	Bosnia and Herzegovina	51	604	3767000	1.603	6236.75
46	Republic of Ireland	41	709	4459300	1.590	6289.56
47	Costa Rica	40	710	4579000	1.551	6449.3
48	Jamaica	81	399	2719000	1.467	6814.54
49	Swaziland	131	171	1185000	1.443	6929.82
50	Slovakia	34	777	5424925	1.432	6981.89
51	Denmark	36	767	5540241	1.384	7223.26
52	Wales	77	415	2999300	1.384	7227.23
53	Scotland	43	699	5194000	1.346	7430.62
54	Panama	74	434	3322576	1.306	7655.71
55	Paraguay	31	820	6349000	1.292	7742.68
56	Oman	91	362	2845000	1.272	7859.12
57	Albania	79	406	3195000	1.271	7869.46
58	Botswana	116	236	1950000	1.210	8262.71
59	Portugal	3	1249	10636888	1.174	8516.32
60	Kuwait	97	350	2985000	1.173	8528.57
61	Namibia	111	251	2171000	1.156	8649.4
62	Solomon Islands	170	60	523000	1.147	8716.67
63	Israel	26	857	7588400	1.129	8854.61
64	Belize	179	36	322100	1.118	8947.22
65	Switzerland	24	866	7782900	1.113	8987.18
66	St. Lucia	191	19	172000	1.105	9052.63
67	Finland	52	584	5363000	1.089	9183.22
68	Tahiti	191	19	178133	1.067	9375.42
69	Moldova	89	378	3563800	1.061	9428.04
70	Aruba	198	11	107000	1.028	9727.27
71	Bahamas	181	34	342000	0.994	10058.82
72	Honduras	38	734	7466000	0.983	10171.66
73	Serbian	15	947	9850000	0.961	10401.27
74	Armenia	100	311	3238000	0.960	10411.58
75	Guam	195	17	178000	0.955	10470.59
76	Bulgaria	39	711	7576751	0.938	10656.47
77	New Zealand	78	410	4376100	0.937	10673.41
78	Greece	13	964	11306183	0.853	11728.41
79	Congo	103	308	3683000	0.836	11957.79
80	Sweden	37	761	9359742	0.813	12299.27
81	Czech Republic	33	793	10512397	0.754	13256.49
82	Netherlands	4	1231	16620225	0.741	13501.4
83	El Salvador	72	452	6163000	0.733	13634.96
84	United Arab Emirates	101	310	4599000	0.674	14835.48
85	Comoros	171	43	676000	0.636	15720.93
86	Togo	76	418	6619000	0.632	15834.93
87	Benin	60	531	8935000	0.594	16826.74
88	Austria	68	479	8372930	0.572	17480.02
89	Hungary	57	565	10013628	0.564	17723.24
90	Tunisia	55	574	10432500	0.550	18175.09
91	Brunei	189	21	388190	0.541	18485.24
92	Lesotho	152	109	2067000	0.527	18963.3
93	Chile	18	888	17093000	0.520	19248.87
94	Bolivia	65	499	9879000	0.505	19797.6
95	Belgium	59	541	10827519	0.500	20013.9
96	Georgia	120	217	4385400	0.495	20209.22
97	Ecuador	44	694	14203000	0.489	20465.42
98	Libya	102	309	6420000	0.481	20776.7
99	Jordan	104	300	6316000	0.475	21053.33
100	US Virgin Islands	199	5	110000	0.455	22000
101	Cameroon	19	887	19522000	0.454	22009.02
102	Belarus	82	397	9471900	0.419	23858.69
103	Côte d’Ivoire	27	856	21075000	0.406	24620.33
104	Romania	28	853	21466174	0.397	25165.5
105	Mali	54	575	14517176	0.396	25247.26
106	Australia	20	886	22400221	0.396	25282.42
107	Burkina Faso	48	611	15757000	0.388	25788.87
108	Singapore	127	193	4987600	0.387	25842.49
109	Guinea	87	381	10069000	0.378	26427.82
110	Haiti	91	362	10033000	0.361	27715.47
111	Zambia	71	456	12935000	0.353	28366.23
112	Senegal	75	422	12534000	0.337	29701.42
113	Ghana	32	800	23837000	0.336	29796.25
114	Spain	2	1565	46951532	0.333	30000.98
115	Liberia	150	114	3476608	0.328	30496.56
116	Sierra Leone	130	181	5696000	0.318	31469.61
117	Mauritius	172	40	1288000	0.311	32200
118	Turkmenistan	139	151	5110000	0.295	33841.06
119	Azerbaijan	109	259	8922300	0.290	34449.03
120	Rwanda	107	269	9998000	0.269	37167.29
121	Argentina	7	1076	40134425	0.268	37299.65
122	Djibouti	188	23	864000	0.266	37565.22
123	Macau	197	14	542200	0.258	38728.57
124	Malawi	86	382	15263000	0.250	39955.5
125	Mauritania	164	81	3291000	0.246	40629.63
126	Andorra	201	2	84082	0.238	42041
127	Algeria	30	821	34895000	0.235	42503.05
128	Lebanon	160	98	4224000	0.232	43102.04
129	Tajikistan	135	155	6952000	0.223	44851.61
130	Bhutan	196	15	697000	0.215	46466.67
131	Hong Kong	140	150	7026400	0.213	46842.67
132	Venezuela	49	608	28831000	0.211	47419.41
133	England	8	1068	51809700	0.206	48510.96
134	Zimbabwe	110	258	12523000	0.206	48538.76
135	Angola	88	379	18498000	0.205	48807.39
136	Eritrea	155	101	5073000	0.199	50227.72
137	Peru	53	578	29132013	0.198	50401.41
138	Italy	5	1184	60340328	0.196	50963.11
139	Saudi Arabia	66	498	25721000	0.194	51648.59
140	Puerto Rico	166	76	3982000	0.191	52394.74
141	Ukraine	23	875	45962900	0.190	52529.03
142	Mozambique	85	383	21350080	0.179	55744.33
143	Nicaragua	155	101	5743000	0.176	56861.39
144	Cuba	126	194	11204000	0.173	57752.58
145	Guatemala	114	241	14027000	0.172	58203.32
146	Colombia	35	776	45503000	0.171	58637.89
147	France	9	1044	65447374	0.160	62689.06
148	Syria	98	343	21906000	0.157	63865.89
149	Burundi	144	127	8303000	0.153	65377.95
150	Canada	63	516	34154000	0.151	66189.92
151	Poland	58	561	38167329	0.147	68034.45
152	Morocco	70	463	31849000	0.145	68788.34
153	Kyrgyzstan	168	74	5482000	0.135	74081.08
154	Uganda	73	440	32710000	0.135	74340.91
155	Germany	6	1082	81757600	0.132	75561.55
156	Iraq	80	405	30747000	0.132	75918.52
157	Mongolia	179	36	2762600	0.130	76738.89
158	Uzbekistan	94	354	27488000	0.129	77649.72
159	Korea Republic (S)	47	632	49773145	0.127	78754.98
160	Egypt	12	967	78645000	0.123	81328.85
161	Korea DPR (N)	105	285	24051706	0.118	84391.95
162	Guinea-Bissau	191	19	1611000	0.118	84789.47
163	Kazakhstan	129	183	15776492	0.116	86210.34
164	Turkey	29	830	72561312	0.114	87423.27
165	Chad	143	128	11274106	0.114	88078.95
166	Yemen	112	248	23580000	0.105	95080.65
167	Palestine	173	39	3935249	0.099	100903.82
168	Brazil	1	1611	193141000	0.083	119888.89
169	Mexico	17	895	107550697	0.083	120168.38
170	South Africa	83	392	49320500	0.079	125817.6
171	Russia	11	1015	141927297	0.072	139829.85
172	Iran	61	521	74196000	0.070	142410.75
173	Laos	173	39	6320000	0.062	162051.28
174	Madagascar	148	121	19625000	0.062	162190.08
175	Kenya	113	243	39802000	0.061	163794.24
176	Niger	162	92	15290000	0.060	166195.65
177	Tanzania	108	261	43739000	0.060	167582.38
178	Nigeria	21	883	154729000	0.057	175231.03
179	Sudan	118	219	39154490	0.056	178787.63
180	Japan	45	682	127360000	0.054	186744.87
181	Sri Lanka	159	99	20238000	0.049	204424.24
182	Malaysia	146	123	28306700	0.043	230135.77
183	Thailand	106	276	63525062	0.043	230163.27
184	Somalia	173	39	9133000	0.043	234179.49
185	Timor Este	200	4	1134000	0.035	283500
186	Nepal	161	96	29331000	0.033	305531.25
187	Congo DR	121	215	66020000	0.033	307069.77
188	Chinese Taipei	167	75	23131093	0.032	308414.57
189	USA	14	957	309605000	0.031	323516.2
190	Vietnam	117	231	85789573	0.027	371383.43
191	Dominican Republic	187	26	10090000	0.026	388076.92
192	Ethiopia	123	200	79221000	0.025	396105
193	Myanmar (Burma)	147	122	50020000	0.024	410000
194	Cambodia	185	30	14805000	0.020	493500
195	Afghanistan	189	21	28150000	0.007	1340476.19
196	Philippines	169	67	92226600	0.007	1376516.42
197	Indonesia	137	153	231369500	0.007	1512218.95
198	Bangladesh	157	100	162221000	0.006	1622210
199	Pakistan	165	78	169869000	0.005	2177807.69
200	China PR	84	387	1338330000	0.003	3458217.05
201	India	133	163	1182698000	0.001	7255815.95
202	Montserrat	202	0	5900	0.000	–
202	Anguilla	202	0	15000	0.000	–
202	San Marino	202	0	32386	0.000	–
202	American Samoa	202	0	67000	0.000	–
202	Central African Republic	202	0	4422000	0.000	–
202	Papua New Guinea	202	0	6732000	0.000	–

colour key:
New rank is higher than official FIFA rank: a relatively better team than people realise
New rank is lower than official FIFA rank: a relatively worse team than people realise

So – it only takes 248 Faroese men, women and children to rustle up a single FIFA point. In contrast, over in South America, with Brazil languishing down in 168th place the behind mighty Yemen, Chad and Palestine, that one FIFA point requires the combined efforts of nearly 120,000 Brazilians! Sounds like hard work. But the real losers here are undoubtedly the Papua New Guineans. Almost 7 million inhabitants, and they simply can’t be bothered to collect even that one point. How truly contemptible.