CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

Background
This is an experimental project, but I reject the use of ‘experimental’ as a credible musical genre. It might be the case that the album ends up being filed under ‘bluegrass’ or ‘hip hop/R&B’ or ’2-bit wet-tech physicswave’ in all good record shops, time will tell. But the process is an experiment in the truest sense. I intend to compile an album of non-genre-specific music, and to do this I need contributions from the public. Taking my cue from classic/conventional rock/pop production, I’ll use guitar, drums, bass, vocals, maybe even a splash of keyboard, and maybe the occasional background vocal. You, the general public, will provide the separate components. I will then be responsible for compiling and mixing.

Method
If you have access to separates from your recording session, then great, this is what I’ll be using. The album will be produced in a conventional way by arranging and mixing separate audio tracks from various instruments, only the difference between this project and a normal album production process is that none of the submitters will have heard any of the other submissions. You might send me a 4 minute hi-hat track from your nu-metal band, and I might decide to use that along with a kick drum taken from a country and western ballad, a snare from a free jazz combo and floor toms from a bunch of psych-rock revivalists. That’s none of your business. This might sound like a terrible idea to you, but that’s okay because you’re not doing it. I think it’s a great idea and will sound fantastic, which is why I am doing it.

I’m asking for uncompressed audio separates that fall into the following categories:

1. Guitar (electric or acoustic, lead or rhythm or whatever)
2. Bass (electric or acoustic/upright)
3. Kick drum
4. Snare drum
5. Toms
6. Hi-hat
7. Ride cymbal
8. Crash cymbal
9. Other rhythmic percussion (eg. tambourine, triangle, conga, bongo, handclaps etc)
10. Vocals, lead (spoken/sung/shouted/screamed/rapped)
11. Vocals, other (background etc)
12. Keyboard (piano, harpsichord, analogue synth, computer based etc.)

What I do want:
Good, clean, professional quality audio separates ideally with no bleed-through from other instruments that might have been recorded at the same time. I realise that this is pretty tricky where drums are concerned, in which case I’m after drums that have been recorded with separate mics on each piece of kit, rather than the whole kit being recorded simultaneously with a single mic. If this proves to be too difficult then I’ll settle for whole kit recordings.
Tracks taken from a single credible piece of music.
Anything between 3 and 6 minutes in length (give or take – I mean, 2:50 would be okay, but 25:00 wouldn’t be).
Original music that you own the copyright to.
Material in any genre or style, as long as it fits into one of the categories above.
Tracks from amateurs and professionals alike. Separates are welcome from all.

What I don’t want:
Your solo version of a popular hit recorded in your bedroom on your phone.
Complete stereo recordings of your whole band.
A 5 minute solo jam. As in, don’t just noodle away aimlessly on your Fender Jazzmaster and submit that – I want the audio to have been recorded for inclusion in an ensemble piece, not intended as a stand-alone.

How to do it:
Upload your uncompressed audio file (no mp3s, please) to a third-party file hosting site such as Rapidshare, YouSendIt or Mediafire etc and email the link to me at cloudsource@simonproffitt.com. Or else get in touch for my address and you can post me a CD.

Other info:
In the first instance this is just an experiment. By submitting a track or tracks, you are agreeing to let me use the piece unaltered as a component in a new work, and you will still retain ownership of and copyright to your specific bit. You also agree to let me make the results available as low-quality mp3s. You are not giving me permission to do anything else with it, unless I specifically ask first and you say it’s ok. If it turns out that the results are spectacular (and I strongly suspect that they will be) and a major label wants to release the album in a massive worldwide distribution in multiple deluxe formats (as I strongly suspect they will), then I’ll make sure permissions are sought and contracts are signed and profits are shared. But I’m not doing this to get rich, certainly not at the expense of talented musicians like yourself, I’m doing this because I’m a restless, creative explorer.

In conversations I’ve overheard over the years, especially inter-generational conversations, fellow (or less commonly ex-) villagers are defined, characterised, identified not by physical appearance or profession but by family tree and/or place of residence.

- You know X?
- X… is that Y’s lad?
- It is, aye. He married Z.
- A’s daughter?
- No, you’re thinking of B. Z was C’s sister.
- Lived opposite the butcher?
- Aye, that’s the one.

Invariably, the given names of all involved parties are preposterous, and so the conversation becomes pure comedy. X is never the son of John Jones. Rather, X is the son of Bodge Wang. Or the elder brother of Stinker Pink. Or Figgy Brouhaha turns out to have lived next door to Soapy Rodeo. I exaggerate – the surnames of course are beyond anyone’s control, so are generally more sober than the given names. Interestingly, though, the given nicknames are universally acknowledged, regardless of generational membership. Such that legal first names are, quite often, completely lost, unknown, unknowable perhaps, even sometimes to the person themselves, their birth certificates AWOL in some distant, cobwebbed drawer. And, more often than not, the nicknames’ origins are similarly lost. Some are obvious and (I imagine) fairly self-explanatory, but others seem to have no credible explanation, even to those intimately acquainted with the person in question.

Here, after a number of conversations between my father and grandfather, is a list of real people, some of whom are sadly no longer with us, but all of whom were well known to both, and all of whom resided within the same 2 mile radius. They are all male. Some of these names have become so familiar to me over the years that they are even more recognisable than my own name. When said aloud, they are so fluid that the boundary between forename and surname is meaningless; they become a discrete and irreducible linguistic unit. I offer no commentary or speculation on the names themselves, they are simply presented as-is. But please, if you know anyone on the list, or if you find yourself on this list, please leave a comment to let the world know how you came to be so called. It will be interesting to see whether any themes emerge.

125g fresh blueberries
200g Tesco frozen summer fruits (equal mixture of blackberries, blackcurrants, redcurrants and raspberries)
Half a large organic cucumber, peeled
1 level tablespoon white granulated sugar
200ml semi-skimmed milk

blend and drink

Results
Colour: 99
Texture: 99
Taste: 99
Overall: 99

Pure refreshment. The only thing stopping the Third Unsuccessful Attempt to Discredit Odlyzko’s Response to Montgomery’s Pair Correlation Conjecture from scoring a perfect 100 is that some of the ingredients were purchased from Tesco.

100g fresh strawberries
100g fresh blueberries
200ml semi-skimmed milk
40ml Jack Daniel’s sour mash whiskey
approx 5 drops almond essence

blend and drink.

Results
Colour: 96
Texture: 80
Taste: 61
Overall: 72

Despite the relatively high overall mark, the first and most important thing to note about the Impotent Security Guard is that it is not a drink for the beginner, and should only be attempted by the more experienced smoothie explorer – one who is not afraid to take risks. It’s an acquired taste, for sure, and although I enjoyed it, I would hesitate to recommend it to others. It’s a complex drink with a number of competing flavours, not all of which complement each other well. But whereas sometimes chaos and disorder
are unwelcome house guests, at other times they provide invigorating fun. Interestingly, one of the flavour components was sulphurous in nature – this may be due to the fact that the almond essence was 3 years past its best before date. It’s entirely possible that an Impotent Security Guard made with fresh almond essence would be an entirely different creature; further tests will confirm whether this is the case.

250g fresh strawberries
10-15 seedless white grapes
1 organic vanilla pod, steeped in Smirnoff Red Label vodka for 4 months
200ml full fat milk

blend the ingredients and drink

Results
Color: 68
Texture: 38
Taste: 82
Overall: 70

The insipid pastel pink is the first disappointment when surveying the freshly prepared Fraudulent Insurance Claim. The tiny flecks of blended vanilla pod go some way towards compensating for this by adding a bit of character, but they don’t go far enough and the initial appearance is one of weak strawberry milkshake. Texture is poor. The inclusion of white grapes is regrettable at best; they add nothing to the flavour, but pollute the smoothie with annoying bits of unblended skin, turning the drink into less of a ‘smoothie’ and more of a ‘lumpie’. Or rather, a ‘thinnie-with-an-unpleasant-suspension-of-chewie’. However, taste is excellent – the strawberries are mouthwatering and refreshing, and the vanilla pod softens their sharpness. The full fat milk rounds the drink out with a hint of cream, and the vodka is subtle enough to add a tingle of excitement without endangering the driving license.

200g raspberries
1 tablespoon Saskatoon Berry syrup*
1 heaped tablespoon instant hot chocolate powder
1 healthy pinch of dried chilli flakes
200ml full fat milk

*or any fruit syrup; this is more of a sweetener than a flavour component

Blend the ingredients and drink.

Results
Colour: 100
Texture: 82
Taste: 94
Overall: 93

A true milestone in smoothie technology, the Sad Clown is a genuine revelation. It is deep, elegant, complex and endlessly fascinating – a truly 21st century drink. There’s a little something for everyone in there – a tangy fruit buzz, a smooth, mellow chocolatey undercurrent and an intriguingly warm after-swallow. So many seemingly incompatible things coming together into one joyous union. You might look at the ingredients with confusion, contempt, fear, incredulity – but the reality is something that even I, the restless smoothie experimenter, couldn’t have predicted. You might think that it’s a bit incongruous to give such a remarkable drink a name as inappropriate as The Sad Clown, but you might also think it’s not a good idea to mix raspberries, chocolate and chilli. In both cases, you’d be wrong.

200g summer fruits (a roughly equal mix of raspberry, blackcurrant, redcurrant and blackberry)
2 large tablespoons of coconut yoghurt
50ml advocaat
200ml semi-skimmed milk

Blend the ingredients and drink.

Results
Colour: 100
Texture: 82
Taste: 83
Overall: 86

A slightly deeper shade of pink to yesterday’s Raspberry Doncaster, the Dutch Uncle also has more darker flecks throughout due to the presence of the blackcurrant skins. Texture is spot on, with fewer raspberry pips to bother the teeth. Taste-wise this is a vast improvement. The smoothie has real depth, and is zingy without being too sharp. The advocaat and yoghurt add a refined creaminess to the drink without overwhelming the fruit or adding too much weight, and there are intriguing suggestions of coconut, rather than deafening proclamations. Alcohol content will be low (advocaat is around 14% by volume, so drinking an entire Dutch Uncle will be equivalent to drinking 175ml of medium strength beer, about a third of a pint), which means you should be able to enjoy one while operating heavy machinery.

To make a Raspberry Doncaster, you will need:
200g raspberries
25ml ginger wine
5 fresh basil leaves
200ml semi-skimmed milk

Blend the ingredients and drink.

Results
Colour: 100
Texture: 76
Taste: 33
Overall: 55*

A beautiful, richly vivid deep pink sets the mouth watering instantly. Texture is good, not too watery, but not overly thick. One fundamental failing of the raspberry, however, is the presence of pip. These divide opinion in the smoothie world, some believing that they add pleasurable crunch to the drink, others, myself included, occasionally bothered by inter-tooth lodging. Taste was disappointing – what promised to be a sensual explosion ended up sour and a bit on the thin side. The ginger adds some welcome warmth to the post-swallow, but the basil was ineffective and the raspberries simply didn’t have the sweetness – or the sharp punch – to get away with being the only fruit component. Finishing the portion became more of an ordeal than a pleasure.

*the algorithm I’m using is taste weighted, for hopefully obvious reasons: (C + Te + 3Ta) / 5