Willey Holding

Now that the England & Wales Cricket XI have limped forlornly out of the 2011 World Cup, it’s as good a time as ever to revisit the scorecards from two Brian Johnston Memorial matches played fairly recently in rural England.

To provide a bit of context for this elaborate in-joke, I invite you to cast your mind back to The Oval, 1976: the fifth and final test match. West Indies are fielding during England’s second innings. England require a daunting 435 runs to win. The score is 77-3. It’s the 30th over. The bowler’s Holding; the batsman’s Willey.

South Yorkshire Cricket League, Division 3
Doncaster 2nd XI v Rotherham
Doncaster
28 August 2010 (40-over match)

Result: Doncaster 2nd XI won by 35 runs
Man of the Match: Lloyd Authority

Doncaster 2nd XI innings
GD Savings      c. Cops         b. Spent          1
D Patience                      b. Trying        15
MA Underwear    c. Cops         b. Trying        16
*RR Wife        lbw             b. Stroking       4
L Authority                     b. Questioned    76
+STI Algebra    c. Father       b. Trying        42
MN Softskin     c. Father       b. Stroking      22
PO Fighting     c. Cops         b. Questioned     0
JJ Runningup    not out                          14
LD Betrayed                     b. Spent          2
S Mocking       lbw             b. Spent          1
Extras                                           13
Total           (all out, 39.2 overs)           206

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Stroking        10      2       46      2
Spent           9.2     1       55      3
Trying          10      3       38      3	
Questioned      10      0       61      2

Rotherham innings
NG Phonebill    st. Algebra     b. Runningup      3
*CD Lisp                        b. Mocking       48
RIJ Trust                       b. Betrayed      11
SL Stairs       lbw             b. Runningup      6
E Father        st. Algebra     b. Betrayed      26
WA Cause                        b. Fighting      31
+ID Cops        c. Wife         b. Fighting      19
IA Questioned   not out                          14
A Stroking                      b. Mocking        0
BF Trying       run out                           0
TJ Spent                        b. Runningup      5
Extras                                            8
Total           (all out, 38.4 overs)           171 

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Mocking         10      2       52      2		
Betrayed        9       2       41      2
Fighting        10      1       40      2
Runningup       9.4     0       33      3


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Bassetlaw Cricket League, Division 2
Staveley v Chesterfield
Staveley
3 September 2010 (40-over match)

Result: Chesterfield won by 137 runs
Man of the Match: Wesley Kicked

Chesterfield innings
GG Heart                lbw             b. Broken        25
KJ Will-Tolive          lbw             b. Broken        34
*+AD Supply             run out                          56
PJN Human-Rights                        b. Violating      7
ES Gay                                  b. Sure           1
AJ Charms               st. Problems    b. Fallenfor     45
TC Personal-Space                       b. Violating     72
SW Solving              not out                           9			
HN Faking                               b. Sure           1
DW Declined                             b. Sure           0
WG Kicked               not out                           0
Extras                                                    5
Total                   (9 wickets, 40 overs)           254

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Broken          10      1       41      2
Violating       8       0       67      2
Sure            8       1       54      3
Fallenfor       10      0       49      1
Death           4       0       34      0

Staveley innings
EBS Headin                              b. Kicked        32
LL Kind-Offer           lbw             b. Declined       2
N Death                                 b. Faking         3
+PC Problems            c. Faking       b. Solving        0
IR Cat                  c. Charms       b. Kicked        14
CB Housing-Crisis                       b. Solving       21
JDS Signature                     c. &  b. Faking         0
A Broken                                b. Kicked        22
AL Sure                                 b. Declined       6
*RM Violating                           b. Kicked         4
TT Fallenfor            not out                           2
Extras                                                   11
Total                   (all out, 34.1 overs)           117

Bowling         O       M       R       W
Declined        7       2       34      2		
Faking          8       2       31      2
Kicked          10      3       22      4
Solving         9.1     1       24      2

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Submit your own Brian Johnston Memorial Scorecards in the comment section.
Complete scorecards are a lot to ask, so I am also encouraging simple submissions of the form: the bowler’s X; the batsman’s Y.

Need more examples?
the bowler’s Disputing; the batman’s Paternity-Claim
the bowler’s Eaten; the batsman’s Kidneys
etc.

A Forthcoming Live Appearance

I’ll be premièring a new solo improvisation at the Sonic Science festival in Bangor, part of the National Science and Engineering week that encourages people to think about science and engineering a bit more than they currently do. What will I be improvising with? Come and see. Rest assured it involves science.

Sonic Science
Powis Hall, Bangor University

16 March 2011
Starts at 7:30 pm
Free Entry!

More info at Risk of Shock, curators and purveyors of quality musical entertainment.

Insipid Lyrics With No Real Life Application

Here’s another list. The title of the list is: A Theoretical Album, The Song Titles Of Which Are Phrases That, As Far As I Can Tell, Exist Only In Song Lyrics And Do Not Exist In Conventional Speech Patterns, At Least Not Where I’m From, Which Is To Say That In Writing These Lyrics The Songwriter Must Have Copied Them From Other Songs Again And Again Until They Become Tired Cliché, Sometimes Not Even Pausing To Think What They Actually Mean, Volume 1

1. Lips of Wine
2. Apple of My Eye
3. Rock of Ages
4. (Between the) Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
5. Thief in the Night
6. (Kisses) Sweeter Than Wine
7. Honey Pie
8. Lonesome
9. La la la la la la la
10. Fomentatious perflation hydrogenates your foetal cisterna, coagulating haemorrhage and your congenital hernia

Snow Idea

Amuse, confuse and disturb your fellow citizens with these fun suggestions for urban virgin snow mischief. These are best performed very early in the morning after a settled snowfall. The resulting patterns left in the soft white powder will then be ready to be discovered by the day’s early risers.

1. Walk around for a bit with your left shoe on your right foot, and your right shoe on your left foot.
2. Hop on one leg down the entire length of a street
3. Walk with a companion halfway down a street. At some arbitrary midpoint the lighter of the two should jump on the other and receive a piggyback the rest of the way.
4. Walk halfway down a street. At some arbitrary midpoint, pause, create some mysterious scratchy marks in the snow immediately in front of where you’ve stopped and then continue walking in the direction you were initially travelling but facing the other way. If you’re worried about bumping into things while walking backwards, you could attempt to put your shoes on the wrong way around, although this might not be as straightforward as it sounds.
5. Cut some human hand shapes out of rubber, wood, or half a potato, and strap one to the underside of each of your shoes. Experiment with various sizes of hand, from tiny baby hands to freakish over-sized monster hands with terrifying spindly elongated fingers.
6. As above but instead of human hands, replicate the paw/hoof prints of various animals. There are lots of variations of this idea – the one you choose might depend on how subtle you wish to be, or how perceptive and intelligent you believe your intended audience to be:
a) prints of species that would not be expected to be present in your town. A kangaroo in Doncaster, a Shropshire Rhinoceros in Staffordshire, a sperm whale in Tamworth (I know sperm whales don’t have characteristic paw prints, but maybe they’d slither along the ground in a distinctive manner – do some research).
b) prints significantly larger than the current largest known example of that species. You might wander into your local pub in the evening to frenzied reports of an upright 10 foot tall Etruscan shrew stalking the area and causing people to disappear.
c) prints of species hitherto unknown to science.
d) waddle down the street as a penguin, but with your left shoe as a Magellanic penguin, your right shoe as a Western Rockhopper.
e) dressed as an upright 10 foot tall Etruscan shrew, carry two small children on your back. The children could have fake penguin feet prints on their shoes. At some arbitrary point in the street, stop, let the children down from your back, change your shoes into some penguin feet prints, and then the three of you walk off in different directions.
f) with the help of two small children, enact three tiny Etruscan shrews merging into one gigantic supershrew
g) get a friend to don gazelle hoof print shoes. You should put on some lion paw print shoes. Get your friend to chase you, the lion, zig-zagging in a manner consistent with a real lion chasing a real gazelle (i.e. prey becomes predator). This will work best in an empty car park rather than the street. After a while, stop in the centre of the car park, make some marks in the snow as if there’s been a scuffle, jump on your friend (the gazelle)’s back and return home.
h) carry a bag or backpack with a number of custom shoes, each one of them of one of humankind’s ancient ancestors. Leave your house as a pierolapithecus and swap your shoes every 20 yards or so, evolving down the street as you go. Alternatively, you could start out human and regress to a shapeless slithery thing by the time you get to the end of the road.

Love Will Tear Usk Apart

A second helping of hot provincial fun from the Song For Britain archives:

Harlow : Lionel Richie
Harlow Moray Looe (Gott Bay Hart) : Gene Putney
Harrow Dolly : Louis Armstrong
Harrow Moray Looe (Goadby Hart) : Billericay Nelson
Hayle To The Thief : Radiohead
He Was Rayleigh Sayin’ Somethin’ : The Velvelettes
Hillsborough Live With The Sound Of Music : Julie Andrews
Hitchin A Ride : Vanity Fare
Hoole You Run To : Heart
How Dorset Feel : Spacemen 3
Howle In My Shoe : Traffic
Hull Of The Moon : The Waterboys
Huntingdon High And Low : Aha
Hythe And Seek : Howard Jones
I (Hove Nothing) : Tom Jones
I Can Seaford Miles : The Who
I Cannock Get No (Satisfaction) : Rolling Stones
I Don’t Wanna Torquay ‘Bout It : Everything But The Girl
I Hear You Knockin : Dave Edmunds
I Kent Stand It : James Brown
I Still Havant Found What I’m Looking For : U2
I’d Rotherham Go Blind : Etta James
I’m Nottingham Mood To Say No! : Shania Twain
If I Were A Richmond : Topol
Ilkley-munication : Beastie Boys
In The Ayr Tonight : Phil Collins
Industry Stamford : Orbital
Ingoldmells Rock : Bobby Helms
Isle Of My Man : Billie Holiday
Isle Of White You Do To Me : Ike & Tina Turner
It’s Grimsby Up North : The Jamms
Kendal In The Wind : Elton John
Left To My Own Devizes : Pet Shop Boys
Let Derby Drums : Sandy Nelson
Lewes, Mistreated : Radiohead
Lil’ Darlin’ton : Count Basie
Lipglossop : Pulp
Live In Consett : Neil Diamond
Love Doncaster Thing : Jennifer Lopez
Love Is Like An Hitchin In My Herts : Diana Ross & The Supremes
Love Will Tear Usk Apart : Joy Division
Minster Mash : Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett and the Crypt Kickers
Mold-y Old Dore : Lieutenant Pigeon
Mother’s Little Belper : Rolling Stones
Near Whitehaven : REM
Newark Can Say Goodbye : Gloria Gaynor
Norfolk’n Choice : Icons Of Filth
Oban Your Heart : Madonna
Oldham! I’m Comin’ : Sam & Dave
One Thing Leeds To Another : The Fixx
Over Andover : Nana Mouskouri