Now that the England & Wales Cricket XI have limped forlornly out of the 2011 World Cup, it’s as good a time as ever to revisit the scorecards from two Brian Johnston Memorial matches played fairly recently in rural England.
To provide a bit of context for this elaborate in-joke, I invite you to cast your mind back to The Oval, 1976: the fifth and final test match. West Indies are fielding during England’s second innings. England require a daunting 435 runs to win. The score is 77-3. It’s the 30th over. The bowler’s Holding; the batsman’s Willey.
South Yorkshire Cricket League, Division 3
Doncaster 2nd XI v Rotherham
28 August 2010 (40-over match)
Result: Doncaster 2nd XI won by 35 runs Man of the Match: Lloyd Authority
Doncaster 2nd XI innings
GD Savings c. Cops b. Spent 1
D Patience b. Trying 15
MA Underwear c. Cops b. Trying 16
*RR Wife lbw b. Stroking 4
L Authority b. Questioned 76
+STI Algebra c. Father b. Trying 42
MN Softskin c. Father b. Stroking 22
PO Fighting c. Cops b. Questioned 0
JJ Runningup not out 14
LD Betrayed b. Spent 2
S Mocking lbw b. Spent 1
Total (all out, 39.2 overs) 206
Bowling O M R W
Stroking 10 2 46 2
Spent 9.2 1 55 3
Trying 10 3 38 3
Questioned 10 0 61 2
NG Phonebill st. Algebra b. Runningup 3
*CD Lisp b. Mocking 48
RIJ Trust b. Betrayed 11
SL Stairs lbw b. Runningup 6
E Father st. Algebra b. Betrayed 26
WA Cause b. Fighting 31
+ID Cops c. Wife b. Fighting 19
IA Questioned not out 14
A Stroking b. Mocking 0
BF Trying run out 0
TJ Spent b. Runningup 5
Total (all out, 38.4 overs) 171
Bowling O M R W
Mocking 10 2 52 2
Betrayed 9 2 41 2
Fighting 10 1 40 2
Runningup 9.4 0 33 3
Bassetlaw Cricket League, Division 2
Staveley v Chesterfield
3 September 2010 (40-over match)
Result: Chesterfield won by 137 runs Man of the Match: Wesley Kicked
GG Heart lbw b. Broken 25
KJ Will-Tolive lbw b. Broken 34
*+AD Supply run out 56
PJN Human-Rights b. Violating 7
ES Gay b. Sure 1
AJ Charms st. Problems b. Fallenfor 45
TC Personal-Space b. Violating 72
SW Solving not out 9
HN Faking b. Sure 1
DW Declined b. Sure 0
WG Kicked not out 0
Total (9 wickets, 40 overs) 254
Bowling O M R W
Broken 10 1 41 2
Violating 8 0 67 2
Sure 8 1 54 3
Fallenfor 10 0 49 1
Death 4 0 34 0
EBS Headin b. Kicked 32
LL Kind-Offer lbw b. Declined 2
N Death b. Faking 3
+PC Problems c. Faking b. Solving 0
IR Cat c. Charms b. Kicked 14
CB Housing-Crisis b. Solving 21
JDS Signature c. & b. Faking 0
A Broken b. Kicked 22
AL Sure b. Declined 6
*RM Violating b. Kicked 4
TT Fallenfor not out 2
Total (all out, 34.1 overs) 117
Bowling O M R W
Declined 7 2 34 2
Faking 8 2 31 2
Kicked 10 3 22 4
Solving 9.1 1 24 2
Submit your own Brian Johnston Memorial Scorecards in the comment section.
Complete scorecards are a lot to ask, so I am also encouraging simple submissions of the form: the bowler’s X; the batsman’s Y.
Need more examples?
the bowler’s Disputing; the batman’s Paternity-Claim
the bowler’s Eaten; the batsman’s Kidneys
I’ll be premièring a new solo improvisation at the Sonic Science festival in Bangor, part of the National Science and Engineering week that encourages people to think about science and engineering a bit more than they currently do. What will I be improvising with? Come and see. Rest assured it involves science.
Sonic Science Powis Hall, Bangor University
16 March 2011
Starts at 7:30 pm
More info at Risk of Shock, curators and purveyors of quality musical entertainment.
Here’s another list. The title of the list is: A Theoretical Album, The Song Titles Of Which Are Phrases That, As Far As I Can Tell, Exist Only In Song Lyrics And Do Not Exist In Conventional Speech Patterns, At Least Not Where I’m From, Which Is To Say That In Writing These Lyrics The Songwriter Must Have Copied Them From Other Songs Again And Again Until They Become Tired Cliché, Sometimes Not Even Pausing To Think What They Actually Mean, Volume 1
1. Lips of Wine
2. Apple of My Eye
3. Rock of Ages
4. (Between the) Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
5. Thief in the Night
6. (Kisses) Sweeter Than Wine
7. Honey Pie
9. La la la la la la la
10. Fomentatious perflation hydrogenates your foetal cisterna, coagulating haemorrhage and your congenital hernia
Amuse, confuse and disturb your fellow citizens with these fun suggestions for urban virgin snow mischief. These are best performed very early in the morning after a settled snowfall. The resulting patterns left in the soft white powder will then be ready to be discovered by the day’s early risers.
1. Walk around for a bit with your left shoe on your right foot, and your right shoe on your left foot.
2. Hop on one leg down the entire length of a street
3. Walk with a companion halfway down a street. At some arbitrary midpoint the lighter of the two should jump on the other and receive a piggyback the rest of the way.
4. Walk halfway down a street. At some arbitrary midpoint, pause, create some mysterious scratchy marks in the snow immediately in front of where you’ve stopped and then continue walking in the direction you were initially travelling but facing the other way. If you’re worried about bumping into things while walking backwards, you could attempt to put your shoes on the wrong way around, although this might not be as straightforward as it sounds.
5. Cut some human hand shapes out of rubber, wood, or half a potato, and strap one to the underside of each of your shoes. Experiment with various sizes of hand, from tiny baby hands to freakish over-sized monster hands with terrifying spindly elongated fingers.
6. As above but instead of human hands, replicate the paw/hoof prints of various animals. There are lots of variations of this idea – the one you choose might depend on how subtle you wish to be, or how perceptive and intelligent you believe your intended audience to be:
a) prints of species that would not be expected to be present in your town. A kangaroo in Doncaster, a Shropshire Rhinoceros in Staffordshire, a sperm whale in Tamworth (I know sperm whales don’t have characteristic paw prints, but maybe they’d slither along the ground in a distinctive manner – do some research).
b) prints significantly larger than the current largest known example of that species. You might wander into your local pub in the evening to frenzied reports of an upright 10 foot tall Etruscan shrew stalking the area and causing people to disappear.
c) prints of species hitherto unknown to science.
d) waddle down the street as a penguin, but with your left shoe as a Magellanic penguin, your right shoe as a Western Rockhopper.
e) dressed as an upright 10 foot tall Etruscan shrew, carry two small children on your back. The children could have fake penguin feet prints on their shoes. At some arbitrary point in the street, stop, let the children down from your back, change your shoes into some penguin feet prints, and then the three of you walk off in different directions.
f) with the help of two small children, enact three tiny Etruscan shrews merging into one gigantic supershrew
g) get a friend to don gazelle hoof print shoes. You should put on some lion paw print shoes. Get your friend to chase you, the lion, zig-zagging in a manner consistent with a real lion chasing a real gazelle (i.e. prey becomes predator). This will work best in an empty car park rather than the street. After a while, stop in the centre of the car park, make some marks in the snow as if there’s been a scuffle, jump on your friend (the gazelle)’s back and return home.
h) carry a bag or backpack with a number of custom shoes, each one of them of one of humankind’s ancient ancestors. Leave your house as a pierolapithecus and swap your shoes every 20 yards or so, evolving down the street as you go. Alternatively, you could start out human and regress to a shapeless slithery thing by the time you get to the end of the road.
A second helping of hot provincial fun from the Song For Britain archives:
Harlow : Lionel Richie Harlow Moray Looe (Gott Bay Hart) : Gene Putney Harrow Dolly : Louis Armstrong Harrow Moray Looe (Goadby Hart) : Billericay Nelson Hayle To The Thief : Radiohead He Was Rayleigh Sayin’ Somethin’ : The Velvelettes Hillsborough Live With The Sound Of Music : Julie Andrews Hitchin A Ride : Vanity Fare Hoole You Run To : Heart How Dorset Feel : Spacemen 3 Howle In My Shoe : Traffic Hull Of The Moon : The Waterboys Huntingdon High And Low : Aha Hythe And Seek : Howard Jones I (Hove Nothing) : Tom Jones I Can Seaford Miles : The Who I Cannock Get No (Satisfaction) : Rolling Stones I Don’t Wanna Torquay ‘Bout It : Everything But The Girl I Hear You Knockin : Dave Edmunds I Kent Stand It : James Brown I Still Havant Found What I’m Looking For : U2 I’d Rotherham Go Blind : Etta James I’m Nottingham Mood To Say No! : Shania Twain If I Were A Richmond : Topol Ilkley-munication : Beastie Boys In The Ayr Tonight : Phil Collins Industry Stamford : Orbital Ingoldmells Rock : Bobby Helms Isle Of My Man : Billie Holiday Isle Of White You Do To Me : Ike & Tina Turner It’s Grimsby Up North : The Jamms Kendal In The Wind : Elton John Left To My Own Devizes : Pet Shop Boys Let Derby Drums : Sandy Nelson Lewes, Mistreated : Radiohead Lil’ Darlin’ton : Count Basie Lipglossop : Pulp Live In Consett : Neil Diamond Love Doncaster Thing : Jennifer Lopez Love Is Like An Hitchin In My Herts : Diana Ross & The Supremes Love Will Tear Usk Apart : Joy Division Minster Mash : Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett and the Crypt Kickers Mold-y Old Dore : Lieutenant Pigeon Mother’s Little Belper : Rolling Stones Near Whitehaven : REM Newark Can Say Goodbye : Gloria Gaynor Norfolk’n Choice : Icons Of Filth Oban Your Heart : Madonna Oldham! I’m Comin’ : Sam & Dave One Thing Leeds To Another : The Fixx Over Andover : Nana Mouskouri